this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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