i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
