I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
