I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
