He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
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Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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