if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize