Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
