Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
