a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
