This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
be right there i have to get my cape
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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