Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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