My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
