I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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