based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
