Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
