I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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