you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We are two peas in an std pod
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
