Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
