I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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