Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
