You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
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You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
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Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.