Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
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The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
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She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried