Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
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We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
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Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming