I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
