I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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