Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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