i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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