this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
