just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I would fuck him just for his dog
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
