I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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