she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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