I think im going to throw up on grandma
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
