Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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