Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
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