I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
