I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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