hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
