Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
