Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
