Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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