Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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