My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
