When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
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I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
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I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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