I want to have your abortion
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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