my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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