i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
