Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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