He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Randomize
