Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
