she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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