I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
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Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
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Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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