i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
