Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
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