I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
