i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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