I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
