someone threw a dead crab at me
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
