I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
