some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
