we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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