my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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