ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
